Random ramblings

A plethora of emotions are bubbling under the surface today. Lots of  monumental changes, unanswered questions....unchecked feelings. And thus, i figured....where else to sort it all out, but my trusty ole blog {of whom i have MAJORLY been neglecting, as of late.}

Oh, where to start....

I guess i should start with what i just learned about a few days ago, and that's that my very 1st girlfriend ever {the one that i went thru hell & back with, and lived on the streets with} is dying....at only 26 years old. Granted, it's at her own hands, in that it's due to stupid decisions on her part, but still.....it's kind of weighing heavy on me, the thought of her losing her life so young. The poor girl never had a chance. Stemming from 2 drug addict parents, and given the life she knew growing up...all odds were stacked against her. I'm torn because i don't know if i should go see her....she's got MRSA, and a blood infection, lesions on her liver from extensive {intravenous} drug use....so part of me feels like it's better to stay away. But another part of me feels pulled to go see her, esp if this is it for her. This girl showed me a side of life i'd have NEVER experienced, were it not for her...even if it WAS a rather seedy side. Growing up very upper-middle class, to live on the street and have to hustle to make ends meet was a struggle i'd never known. But i must say that she always made sure we had shelter, and food to eat daily....even when we DID have to hustle. So its a complex scenario to say the least. One that I've yet to fully dissect and make sense of.

Then there's that ONE ex...the one that broke you and shook your world upside down. Yeah, for me that was Tina. We went round and round for years, i can almost fully credit her for the strong woman i am today, thanks to all the bullshit she put me through. Well, her and i are once again friends, which is cool. I totally wish her the best in life, but she's now {as of a day ago} with the bitch she cheated with me on back in the day. The one who she SWORE nothing was happening with, and that I was just crazy & imagining things. All in all it just makes me super duper grateful that i got away from that lesbo scene when i did. My life has never been better, or more drama-free. Its refreshing. BUT, all in all....emotionally unsettling scenarios with 2 of my most monumental ex's, on the eve of my most emotional week of the month. Yeah....annoyingness to the extreme.

Fast forward to the here & now....I feel like its dually a burden & a blessing to have the huge heart that i do, and to be so passionate about things that i have NO PROBLEM completely diving in head first. I need to learn to protect it more {said heart} and not offer it up so damn quick. Too easy to trust....too quickly hurt, always.

Story of my life. Luckily....resilient is my middle name. 

Poetic Prowess

Our souls have danced....

....in the decades of years past.

your inner beauty & sheer BEING

blends with mine perfectly,

and i instantly

feel at home.

I've known you before...

there's a familiarity

once-lived... remembered vividly

enacted perfectly, in the

HERE, and now.

...the world works in wondrous ways...

untangling an intertwined

history, of times

intangibly perfect.

with you i feel safe,

happy and complete

you set my soul at ease

while cultivating my poetic prowess

never known bliss….such as this....

"What you truly are...."

"I'm glad i make you see, what you truly are", he said to me tonight.

What i truly am?
...beautiful all around,
inside and out.
"A classic beauty", even.

He looked within, & saw a trace...
Looked past the face
breasts & body...
to the true essence of me.

...to partake in the soul,
heart & mind.
embracing the scope,
of what i can truly be.

realized the depth, and what a
rare gem i am to find.

Showering genuine sentiments accordingly
his words ring true, and carry much weight.

They reinforce my weakened self-image
and help heal all the hurt & self-hate...

Help me have faith, that REAL can still exist

That a genuine connection & understanding
can occur again, betwixt....
...myself & another like-minded individual
another lost, damaged soul

where we can build and lean on each other
and not ever have to let go.

bittersweet

Today is a peculiar day. A day of realizations and realities. A day of reckoning, and returning to my roots. My core, my solitary sanity.

I'm looking forward to it, as much as i'm still trying to make sense of all of it. This weekend held many milestones for me. It was the culmination and completion of my time living with my cousin {she was here since Jan}. It was her graduation weekend. It was the one year anniversary from the day i moved INTO Crenshaw {Cinco de Mayo 2011}... as well it was the day {today} that i go back to living alone again.

I don't honestly think its all set in yet. Like, i was just sitting here about to play a song on the computer and i thought..."let me not play it too loud, katie is prob studying". But then i realized...Katie's not here! It's just me and Zoe again....

Overall, it will be good. I plan to be productive, and to be methodical about how i spend my time...

All in all, i've learned a lot. Im grateful for the lessons, and ready for the next chapter :) 

What i learned on Twitter in the past week...

I learned that Twitter is a fickle bitch.

I learned that it's this whole other subculture....governed by its own set of rules, with its own highly-favored majority rule. It's akin to high school..very cliquish....where you strive to look cool, and say cool things, and be accepted and favorited {read: RT- retweeted} by The Cool Kids.

But what i also learned... is an examination into human nature and sociological frameworks....as to what the people want, what DRIVES them, what makes them want to follow and RT you. But first, let me back it up and lay the groundwork for you on my twitter history real quick, so as to better understand what the scope of the last week has done for me in my TwitterLife...

I got on twitter in March 2009, and being the OCD perfectionist that i am...i researched and studied and methodically searched out inspirational thinkers, entrepreneurs, writers, artist, trailblazers, celebrities, athletes, bloggers...pretty much a who's who, by all accounts. Over these past 3 years, I've slowly worked at gaining a following, but hadn't really put overt time and effort into the endeavor until March of this year, March 10th-ish to be exact. So 7 weeks exactly. That I've been tweeting and RTing daily...and I've definitely learned a lot. But never have i learned so much as i have in the past week, with my experiences with the Twitterverse

Past 10 days, actually. This all started for me on 4/22...a Sunday, and i tweeted a #sideboobsunday picture to Doug Benson. And, he RT it! He has over 400k followers, and he RT *MY* sideboobsunday picture {2 weeks in a row, actually}. From there, it all took off so fast....bunches of new followers, tons of replies and messages, my twitter was seeing more action than it had ever, EVER seen in the whole 3 years and 2 months I've had it. And, boy...was it addicting. I'm gonna be honest with you people...it's exciting. When you get RT'd or get lots of new followers and you can see that number steadily rise. It feels really good. BUT, this was all actually bittersweet to me as well because i had worked for 3+ years to develop a solid following, to demonstrate authenticity in who i was, and what i tweeted...then here i am... exploiting my body and my assets, to increase my following? How twisted and degrading. I have so much more to offer than just a pretty face, or a hot body. I don't often let people witness the true depth, but i don't EVER conduct myself in a less-than-ladylike manner, more so than that.

So it was an emotionally complex scenario and turn of events for me. That last week in April was emotionally draining, to say the least. But, it was all worth it, and i learned a lot....and to me, that's what really matters. That you get the LESSON out of a situation. That you learn what you're SUPPOSED to learn, and experience whatever it is that you're destined to experience. And that you grow from it, ultimately.

What i learned on twitter, the nitty-gritty....down and dirty:

~ there are basically 2 groups of people on twitter...legitimate business-people/people who market themselves or their product, and funny/raunchy/inappropriate people who have the wit, balls, and nonchalant attitude to say what we're all really thinking,. but could never really say out loud. Peculiar part about my situation....i started out on twitter diligently working towards become the former, but over the last few weeks, i more so want to be part of the latter. {Twisted, i know}.

~ RT versus favoriting: Everyone who tweets appreciates getting stars, or 'favorited', by people...because when you put long, hard brain-power and calculation into crafting the perfect tweet, it's so nice to get that validation or theoretical thumbs-up by some virtual stranger who just GETS what you're saying. But the real compliment is the RT, {retweet}. People want their tweets retweeted, because it provides their words/art/jokes/ESSENCE to a new realm of potential followers, and it networks their name even more through the Twitterverse. Now, i understand more than anyone, how hard it is to come up with twitter gold! It's exhausting to think of entertaining, witty, funny things to say. There's always the fight within yourself, like....is that funny? Will people like it? Will they get it/relate to it? In my research it said that the best tweeters are people who come up with a healthy dose of original content. Not quotes from famous individuals, or RT's from other brilliant minds {although that is a necessity}, so I've tried really hard lately to come up with my own stuff, and be original/authentic to myself....and while it's working, it's extremely exhausting as well. It can take over your mind, if you let it. All of Social Media in general, can be described by that statement.

~ What the people want: I learned a harsh and eye-opening lesson over these past 2 weeks. Before i started hardcore tweeting at the beginning of March, i had 435ish followers. In the past 9 days, since my first SideBoobSunday picture, I've gained over 100 followers. I just hit 550 followers tonight. Now, that's 435 i built up over the course of 3 years, and 100 + that i added over the course of 9 days, by exploiting my assets alone. Now, that is not to say that i'm PROUD of having gotten tons of new followers based on pictures of my sideboob/cleavage/body etc. I would never normally degrade myself in that manner. But, i was conducting my own little sociology experiment, if you will. I wanted to test some shit out, see what got the people coming back, and what intrigued them to come in the first place. Its really a psychological mindfuck in a sense...everyone wants more followers, and we all strive for social validation from people, in increased followings and favorites. AND, it becomes addicting and exhilarating when you do get it. I feel like a little kid sitting on the floor clapping like, "yay, i made a good tweet!". Although, at this point, my most well-liked and RT'ed tweets are pictures of my boobs, which...isn't worth much bragging rights, at ALLLL yo. But, even if i hook people with my assets, ill retain them with the powers of my sexy brain.

~ the hard part is finding your voice. Being authentic to you. It's difficult with Social Media, because all you have to peddle & capitalize on is...you.

    Is, whatever it is YOU have to offer. Which, better be more than just a pretty face because....good looks fade, honey BooBoo. Luckily for me, i have substance as well as a decent outer package, so i can exploit and manipulate all my various aspects as need be, accordingly :) The point was for me...i started out retweeting and starring stuff pertinent to my Social Media endeavors and the career i hope to craft out of my writing abilities. Now though, i'm more on a selfish, i-want-attention;like-what-i-have-to-say-and-follow-me kick, at the moment. I often ponder and hypothesize to myself..."where do you draw the line? What do you make your voice?" I struggle with this constantly, but i think that's the double-edged sword part of Social Networking. But, i must say I've met some highly entertaining and intelligent people, & I've enjoyed the vast majority of hours I've spent interacting with other tweeters & social media freaks/misfits on Twitter.

And as far as establishing my voice.... I've decided to just be me. To tweet what i want to tweet, to say some inspiring/touching/moving stuff, while also keeping it real, and being witty/clever a/b situations i experience in my own personal life. After all, it is MY twitter...and if people don't like it, they can get the hell out of the kitchen and off my followers list :) Because i'm here to do me, and have fun with it.

And that's just what the eff i'm going to do. Unapologetically :)

Who are you

Who are you?

Are you really the person
That I once knew?

Was that person {I thought I knew}
Really even you?!

A glimmer of a side
At one-time seen

Now an ugly reality
In harsh light, beams.

Words & actions
At odds with one another

Such a beautiful mirage
I had one time discovered…

Only to remain
Remnants of a ghost
In my brain.

digital disconnect

inundation of an intellectual persuasion
each day, all day...we are
force-fed information.

take it in, let some go....
what do you engage in?

it's all up to you,
depending on what it is...
that is your infatuation.

what is this society,
that we now dwell in?

an approval-based, surface-world
where the number of followers you have
directly equates to how important you are
in the genetic make-up of society?

a world where we are so
deeply entangled and entrenched in....
.... voyeurism and watching others' lives
...fall apart.

No one wants to focus inward,
to consult their own darkest demons
and contemplate their deepest fears.

No...no, no, no....we live off, LIVING OFF
other people...
other people's happiness, their struggles
their hurt, pain and tears...

we'd rather watch
"reality television", which should
{more accurately be called "surreal life"}
because that's not REALITY, we're taking in...
that's the Real Housewives of whichever County,
or some other pseudo-reality nonsense...

it's an odd turn of events, to me...
..nowadays people don't truly engage with each other
they safely observe and evaluate from a distance.

No phone calls, just texts...
no letters, just "like"s and 'favorite's.
no personal touch or hug...
just a digital high-five, or
happenstance...a detached
"i see you there"
"i like that thought"
"i give you my social-media following"
and whatever other unspoken, inherently understood
social-networking nod is necessary at the given moment.

it's all so crazy, so cold and technical...
so detached,
this digital disconnect.

Meet me in my dreams...

Somewhere, hidden behind time
the lines unfold....expand
and intertwine.

clarity comes into focus
the questions, unanswered...
....laid to rest.

you just, let it go.

no sense to make of it,
you just KNOW
it was the best thing
you've ever, been a part of.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meet me in my dreams
where the fantasy continues...

and the gleam
of unadulterated happiness
can never be snuffed out.

you will always remain
the best part of what maintained,
the most beauty & wonder
my life..EVER did contain.

a beautiful mirage...
i almost had within grasp
only to vanish, leaving a barrage
of questions in its wake.

questions....never to be met
with answers....

....only to be appreciated,
for what it taught me.

Illuminated wonder...

The moon spoke to me tonight... in all of its
....illuminated wonder.
I drove under its majestic brightness
following like the North Star, it’s guiding light.

Brilliantly filling up the night sky,
It showed me what’s right…..
assured me, all is well in my life.

“Do not fret, my child”
It whispered sweetly...
“All is well in the world; just have faith &….trust it”
{So much easier said, than done}

I feel, the only way to work through emotions
Is to WADE in them.
Drown in them, for a while.
Feel and face them…
So as to work PAST & through them.

Each trial and tribulation…
Builds character and strength.
Each heartbreak,
reminds you you’re ALIVE.

Breathe it in…
The hurt, pain, & happiness,
The memories, the lessons….
The times cherished, always.
The feelings felt, for the 1st time ever….

I was alive.
In that moment, I was incredibly alive
& the world was a beautiful place.

I will cherish it always,
That snippet in time.
That beautiful chaos….
which turned my world upside down.
That lit my soul absolutely on fire…
And turned my mind on multifacetedly.

I will cherish it always...

my heart hurts.

My heart hurts, right now
Literally, aches with pain.
The heaviness in my chest,
makes it laborious to breathe.

Sadness is a giant hand
Squeezing tightly, the circumference of my heart.
Suffocating its regular, healthy beat
Stifling its natural yearn to expand, grow and thrive.

Keeping me held down in darkness…
Lost amongst the sadness,
Drowning in questions and aggravations.
What-if’s and how-come’s….the reality of it all
Still entirely baffling to me.

Knocking the wind right out of me…
Blacking the eye of my soul,
breaking my heart,
leaving me Battered, torn and broken.
In pieces on the floor.

Grasping to be whole again
Reaching, to understand
trying, to make sense
Not understanding why.

Am I being punished?
Is this my karmic reward?
For striving so hard,
To live right all the time…
From being shown something so incredibly amazing
To having it ripped from my hands, in
The blink of an eye?
WHY?
A MILLION TIMES, I ASK
WHY??????