the beginning, and the end....

It seems as though the length of time between my posts increases every time.
JANUARY?? Really, Meagan?! How embarrassing.

The fact remains, I haven't been able to find time for writing at all in these past five months. In fact....I've barely been able to keep up with my job and day-to-day responsibilities, as of late. But, I've been powering through, giving it all I've got, and taking it one day at a time. Alas, despite being on Synthroid, my health hasn't significantly improved. And my job has gotten ten million times more stressful...I'm just spread so thin.

I've found myself wound SO tight, lately. In a bad, bad way. I've been under a lot of stress, and I've struggled with managing my emotions at work a few times over the past few months. Which....is unacceptable. So, to put it in layman's terms, I've cried at work a few times over the past few months, but not in front of anyone super big. The point is...my emotions have control over me, i do not have power over my emotions, at the moment. I have to examine my life, and make changes that will help me get to where i need to be. I need to write. I need to release. I need to have outlets for my words, thoughts and feelings. I need to change my mindset, and manifest good health for myself. I need to DO something. MAKE a change, take action and produce results, already! I've been stagnant. And that's not like me. And it's making me crazy.

On top of my stupid thyroid, which is also making me crazy. So, to recap...I had an endo appointment on April 11th, and that's when he finally prescribed me the Synthroid. Diagnosis was subclinical hypothyroidism on February 25th, but they wanted to test my levels one more time (took test on 4/8/13) and it was at my 4/11 appt that he finally gave me the medicine. I started it on 4/16/13. Since I started it, I feel better energy-wise, and I'm not always cold and lethargic like i was previously. But, i still have palpitations, and I'm still having a lot of difficulty losing weight.So, i feel better overall...but would say I'm only at 60/65% at this point. I have a followup on Thursday, the 6th, and I'm going to ask about natural meds vs. synthetics, and I'm doing my research, educating my self as best I know how.

But that, coupled with my super stressful job, now. And how they always seem to want more...more calls, more dials, more talk time....more, more MORE. I'ts hard. I'm spending 5 and 6 straight hours on the phone, a day, with students. I have 2 different cohorts of students, i have to juggle both and maintain each population. It's a lot to balance. I don't have time for twitter anymore either. I used to do it during the day, while at work....but now, there's absolutely no time.

So, this is an interesting time for me right now. It's a beginning and an ending for me. An ending in the sense that I'm stepping away from twitter. A beginning in the sense that i'm starting to really focus inward and do good things for myself. Tonight, i started my "me-time" in the zen room. I set a timer, and just spent a few (30-ish) minutes in there breathing, stretching and journaling. Thinking, expressing, and purging. I felt palpably better after my time in there. And i really feel like if i make that a daily thing, i will be SO much calmer and more able to deal with life and it's stressors.

So....that's my plan. More writing, expressing, stretching, yoga, meditation, manifesting....less bitching and moaning and helplessly. No pity parties. And damn sure no more stagnation. It's full speed ahead for me from this point out. 

My Thyroid is out to get me

The last few months have been really hard for me. I haven't really been able to pinpoint WHAT exactly it is that's been plaguing me, but I've known, without a doubt....that something has been off.

I've always had a lot of energy, all my life. I'm a go-getter. And I'm OCD, so i keep my house pristine, and stay on top of my chores, laundry, cleaning ALL the time. In the past few months, it's been increasingly difficult for me to be productive around the house, even when i drink a 5-hour energy or a Starbucks double-shot. I feel very lethargic, and ambivalent, even. I just don't have the energy to feel bad about it, and i definitely don't have the energy to do anything about it. It's odd. I usually rationalize my way out of it, mentally...but that's just my means for justification, and my avenue to peace of mind.

I've also been working really hard at eating right and working out lately. Like, applying myself, and trying harder than EVER before in my life! But, I've literally lost less than 5 pounds over a 2 1/2 month period. Basically....I'm trying harder than ever, and having less results than ever. And its making me feel crazy. It fucks with my head....i KNOW i'm doing everything i'm supposed to be doing. My body is not responding.

My body is pretty much making me a prisoner. I'm trying to better myself, and i'm met with resistance. I give it my heart and soul, yet....don't see a damn bit of results. It's infuriating. And disheartening. So, after speaking to friends and family, and doing research online....i decided to ask my doctor if she could do tests for a thyroid problem. On Thursday  i went in for a full panel of blood work, plus 3 additional thyroid tests {TSH, T3, & T4}. It may not be anything...this may all be a coincident. But, at least the blood work will tell me for sure.

But, these past few months...now that i look back and connect the dots.....these past few months have been difficult because I've been depressed, inexplicably {because, my life is GOOD. I'm super blessed} . I've had zero energy, zero luck with my eating right/exercising endeavors....and, in effect, it's caused my self-esteem to falter. I feel fat and disgusting right now. My clothes don't fit right, and i only have ONE bra big enough for me now. I look in the mirror, naked...and i'm disgusted. I'm disappointed. I'ts all negative....

So, i'm very excited to finally have some answers  To be able to get some treatment, and assistance with what I've been going through. The ambiguity of it all has been the hardest part. And, GOD BLESS my boyfriend for putting up with me and helping me make sense of the mood swings, feelings, and lessons. Overall, i'm incredibly blessed & happy. I just....i don't feel right, in my body right now.

But, Next week we'll know for sure :)

social media meltdown

My blog, my baby, my heart....oh, how I've missed thee. Two and a half months since my last blog post...and that is absolutely unacceptable to me, as a writer.

Writing is my passion...my outlet. It's my coping mechanism, and here i am, NOT utilizing it for the past howEVERmany weeks.

I let myself be limited to 140 characters. I censored, and shortened my thoughts, to small snippets and increments. I began to think in shortened phrases. Then, after 9 months of continually tweeting...i began running out of things to say. It was like the well had dried up. I was REACHING for tweets, and pressuring myself to come up with good stuff...but i really came up short, here at the end. I can pretty much ALWAYS come up with an inspirational tweet, and to have been reaching for even THAT, here recently...that's when i knew i needed to take a break.

Twitter really did rule much of my life. I mean, i put my heart, soul, words, wits, and SELF into growing my twitter account. I tweeted EVERY day, for almost 9 months exactly. I interacted with people constantly, i tweeted, read tweets, and RT, and it probably took up 65 % of my day, overall.  I checked twitter last thing before i lay down at night, first thing in the morning when i get up, all through the day while i'm working, just....ALL the damn time. I was constantly trying to come up with tweets, steady trying to cover the gamut from funny, to raunchy, to inspirational. It was almost like a full time job for my brain, in addition to my real daytime job. Its mentally exhausting. Emotionally draining, even. It becomes an obsession, your main focus. Only a twitter-person can truly ever understand what i'm talking about, but the bottom line is....i got burned out. I scraped the bottom of the barrel.  I was coming up empty-handed.

So i stepped back. Granted, it's only been 2 days at this point, which is not much. And i expect many epiphanies and freedoms to come out of this learning experience  But ill most likely go back. I love the people on there too much....i love witnessing the amazing minds, and the things people come up with.

My twitter helped me through a very rough time in my life. It literally occupied me, kept me sane, and led me to some of the most amazing individuals that I've ever encountered. So i'm super grateful for it. And i look forward to returning, once i'm refreshed and ready. 

Learn. More. Always.

I believe it is our job in life, to always be learning, growing, and moving forward in life. Things happen, and we are placed in certain situations....for specific & predetermined reasons.

As long as you take the lesson from it, and are able to add something to your arsenal of knowledge, then i think you've succeeded.

I, myself, am currently at an interesting precipice. I have been blessed with a person that i love, more than i ever thought i was capable of loving someone. Yet, i am also, for the first time ever, engaged in a long distance relationship. Which is incredibly hard.

I struggle with patience: i want what i want, when i want it. Which is NOW. So, needless to say...this is a learning experience for me, in a big way. I'm learning to trust, to have faith, to be hopeful, and to APPRECIATE that which i do have that's palpable. Such as the love, communication, respect, appreciation, honesty, admiration, loyalty, and trust i share with him.

I welcome the opportunity to learn more about myself. Albeit, difficult at times...i know in my heart of hearts, it will be well worth it, in time.

soulmate redefined

You, are not a stranger to me....

but, rather...someone i knew,

in past lives, many.

This time around...

for this most RECENT dance,

i relish to take this chance...

to live out this last lifetime...

lovingly, with you. 

When i first encountered you,

I knew!

I felt the ages of history we shared, 

through and through.

Connections, tried and true

Established over lifetimes,

...the depth & complexity of, 

me and you.

The beauty of it all.

The comfort in your presence

the unspoken understandings.

you read between my lines

effortlessly.

Because you took the time

to learn me. To 

understand me. 

The possibility of what we can be...

best friends, lovers, partners, equals.

Provides me joy, endlessly

You make me happy, effortlessly

I'm grateful for this love, wholeheartedly.

My soul's TRUE mate, you will always be <3

i always come back to you....

I am a writer.

Its just what i do. Its deeply ingrained in who i am, this ongoing love affair with words....this, fascination with articulation, verbiage, diction.

I believe that a truly talented writer can paint you a vivid picture with their words alone.

I strive to create effortless imagery in my readers' minds...to enable them to visualize the words i'm stringing together, into a verbally robust image that simply exists, with little to no effort exuded on their part.

This blog is a reflection of that.

It is MY words, strung together how i want them taken in.

Imbibe my imagery, inhale my thoughts, embrace my perspective, via my words.....

THAT is what you'll find here. My tweets are not indicative of my writing talent/ability. Those are just snippets of thoughts i articulate for you....the REAL me is found between the lines of this blog. Hidden beneath my poetry....

No matter how busy i get....i always come back to you...my outlet, my meanderings, my writings. <3



{And, for the record.....i don't like capitalizing my i's. I have a BA in Literature, i know good and well proper grammar/punctuation. But, seeing as its MY blog, MY words....and the fact that i routinely do what i want, wholeheartedly...the i's shall remain as is} Enjoy :)

My time to shine....

I have been told that i should....and asked if i would....write more....

As a writer, these compliments are immense. Life-changing, really. The love, support and appreciation that i have received over these past few weeks, has served to cultivate me more as a writer.

Has made me want to excel even more...and concoct such amazingly complex imagery and advanced articulation for my readers. To weave stories and scenarios, vividly throughout their brain.

To have a voice...a voice that you feel needs to be heard. And to vocalize your thoughts...in parameters, and prose, with precise placement...and then to have your voice appreciated and supported..... gloriousness. Sheer joy and elation.                                      {and i thank you}

Because that gives purpose to my journey....it gives meaning to the stories i have to tell and the words i have to say. It gives me a platform to explore who i am as a writer, and allows me to solidify my craft.

 I've always had words to say. I've always had a way with words.

A love affair, really. I'm obsessed with verbiage, articulation, and diction. To me....the more specific and fitting word choice you can employ, the more relatable and vivid you can make your writing...your imagery.

Because, really....what i do... is i paint a picture for you with my words...and you, as my reader...can follow along where i take you, and experience what i'm feeling at that very moment. That's the beauty of reading. Of reading and learning and cultivating your mind. I am this smart partly because i read A LOT growing up! Like, a book a day, total and complete book worm...biggest nerd EVER. But it gave me a worldly understanding of things. Then being a Literature major @ FSU, i had to learn about all different time periods, genres and styles of writing. So, needless to say...i am a HUGE advocate for reading, learning and constantly yearning to know MORE.

At this point, i'm not sure what my point originally was, but i know i intended on writing this blog as a thank you. To those people who've supported me and shared their thoughts in a respectful and appreciative manner. For you guys, i'm thankful. 

Wildly undulating....

Wildly undulating
fluid as my sexuality....

ebb and flow...
my emotions
take hold of me.


making a mess
of that which i had just
made sense of.


pulling to the surface
past pains, regrets...
lessons learned 
things i had wanted
to forget.


muddled up in uncertainty now
it was all just so clear and calm...
i yearn for that peacefulness
yet again.


In time, after my lessons
have been learned....
my scars, & strength earned....
only then will it all
make real sense again.

Random ramblings

A plethora of emotions are bubbling under the surface today. Lots of  monumental changes, unanswered questions....unchecked feelings. And thus, i figured....where else to sort it all out, but my trusty ole blog {of whom i have MAJORLY been neglecting, as of late.}

Oh, where to start....

I guess i should start with what i just learned about a few days ago, and that's that my very 1st girlfriend ever {the one that i went thru hell & back with, and lived on the streets with} is dying....at only 26 years old. Granted, it's at her own hands, in that it's due to stupid decisions on her part, but still.....it's kind of weighing heavy on me, the thought of her losing her life so young. The poor girl never had a chance. Stemming from 2 drug addict parents, and given the life she knew growing up...all odds were stacked against her. I'm torn because i don't know if i should go see her....she's got MRSA, and a blood infection, lesions on her liver from extensive {intravenous} drug use....so part of me feels like it's better to stay away. But another part of me feels pulled to go see her, esp if this is it for her. This girl showed me a side of life i'd have NEVER experienced, were it not for her...even if it WAS a rather seedy side. Growing up very upper-middle class, to live on the street and have to hustle to make ends meet was a struggle i'd never known. But i must say that she always made sure we had shelter, and food to eat daily....even when we DID have to hustle. So its a complex scenario to say the least. One that I've yet to fully dissect and make sense of.

Then there's that ONE ex...the one that broke you and shook your world upside down. Yeah, for me that was Tina. We went round and round for years, i can almost fully credit her for the strong woman i am today, thanks to all the bullshit she put me through. Well, her and i are once again friends, which is cool. I totally wish her the best in life, but she's now {as of a day ago} with the bitch she cheated with me on back in the day. The one who she SWORE nothing was happening with, and that I was just crazy & imagining things. All in all it just makes me super duper grateful that i got away from that lesbo scene when i did. My life has never been better, or more drama-free. Its refreshing. BUT, all in all....emotionally unsettling scenarios with 2 of my most monumental ex's, on the eve of my most emotional week of the month. Yeah....annoyingness to the extreme.

Fast forward to the here & now....I feel like its dually a burden & a blessing to have the huge heart that i do, and to be so passionate about things that i have NO PROBLEM completely diving in head first. I need to learn to protect it more {said heart} and not offer it up so damn quick. Too easy to trust....too quickly hurt, always.

Story of my life. Luckily....resilient is my middle name. 

Poetic Prowess

Our souls have danced....

....in the decades of years past.

your inner beauty & sheer BEING

blends with mine perfectly,

and i instantly

feel at home.

I've known you before...

there's a familiarity

once-lived... remembered vividly

enacted perfectly, in the

HERE, and now.

...the world works in wondrous ways...

untangling an intertwined

history, of times

intangibly perfect.

with you i feel safe,

happy and complete

you set my soul at ease

while cultivating my poetic prowess

never known bliss….such as this....