Throwback...

i dont back down... (originally written 11/8/2009)

toe to toe
nose to nose
i stare straight into its soul....

fingers clenched, knuckles white
im not gonna go without a fight.

shoulders broad, back up straight
head faced forward, eyes direct.

this is it....this is what makes you
that which breaks you....
but enables you to replace you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

every hardship
every heartache
has taken its toll on me

tried to overtake me
tried to truly break me...

but i never let it succeed.

i faced it head on,
standing strong

stood up to the emotions
and let them surround me,

swirl around me and engulf me

let them linger, let them seep
into my pores and
permeate me...

no coat of armor,
no army of friends,
no fillers for the space
that happened to be free...

just ME, standing strong
i face it all head on.

i feel each emotion,
and embrace it in my core

cry every tear and feel
all the sadness

cause it only makes me strong.

feel the raw emotion
from my head to my toe
in my heart and in my soul....

let it consume me
get lost in it
BUT...only for a minute.

because then its gone,
its had its time,
its left its mark
its time to move along!

ill stare down the beast
look him straight in the eye
and stand strong!

become victorious over my emotions
and gain strength through it all.

ill face it all head-on
because i dont back down.

Remnants of the old me...

DEPLETED (originally written 11/9/2009)

the candlelight flickers on these walls
like the memories flicker in my mind

so many people
so much given
so many promises made
none delivered.


so much built
on a seemingly strong foundation

so much gone
in a seemingly short time.


emotions, thoughts, words...
so much overtakes at once.

like waves they creep up
and crash over one another
cascading down from head to toe
a wash of emotions
feelings felt
so much in so little time

foundations rebuilt
wolves in sheep's clothing
eyes wide open
walls now closing.

so much of myself i have given
given relentlessly, with no hope of
reciprocity

just with hopes
to bring a smile
to the face of the one i love

to show them that i care.

but now...
there is no more
no more showing, no more giving
nothing left TO give
IM ALL EMPTY

this fort is secure
these walls are up
this mote is full
and im all closed up.

protecting myself from all outer elements
from all those who pretend to be friends
from those who appear to be real

finding the REAL strength
inside of me

B is for Bountiful Blessings

B is for bountiful blessings.

I am a firm believer in, & adherer to, the phrase "attitude of gratitude". I have witnessed first-hand how living in a grateful state will effectually cause more good things to come your way. An attitude of gratitude is a mind-set that opens doors, creates opportunities and attracts them to you.

What is "Law of Attraction", basically it's describe as our thoughts and energy are magnets. If we think and feel (feeling is the key word) negative thoughts, we attract negative back, and vice versa with positive feelings. Like attracts like. - (http://lawofattractioninfo.blogspot.com/2007/01/attitude-of-gratitude.html)

Case in point, if you live thankfully and appreciate every turn of events for what it teaches you…you are summoning bountiful blessings to pour forth. I am a perfect example….only 6 short years ago I was at the lowest of the low. My gf & I were living out of my car, hustling daily to survive…all I saw was a bleak outlook for my future. So, all I was perpetuating at that time was negativity and fear. Fast forward to present day…I have currently been at the same job for 4 years now, lived in this house for 3 ½ yrs and right now I’m in the process of buying my first home! I’m stable as stable can be now! And it’s all because in late 2009, after a world-shattering break-up, I started to change my outlook on life. I adjusted my vision, removed the worldly blinders. I strove to raise my vibrations, elevate my mind! I started implementing new habits, utilizing mantras….reading and studying the way of the Light. And it’s made my life so rich, so rewarding. And so I say to you, dear friend….live in glorious gratitude, preside in optimism always – create for yourself the life you’ve always dreamed of. I starts with just one step….

“Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

A-Z: A is for ACCEPTANCE

Happy Friday friends!

Hopefully as you read this post, you've survived the day thus-far unscathed by April foolery! :) My day wasn't too bad, no one 'got me' or anything. In fact...today was an amaaaazing day for me, for numerous reasons, but ill expand on that later. Back to the issue at hand....I'm fairly new to blogging, (started just a few weeks ago) and i'm not sure as to what's PC, what the 'rules' are, as far as quoting other people. I must say though, that i am highly intrigued by this new world. I recently starting delving deeper into the vastness that is Blogger...searching for truth, wandering aimlessly from blog to blog, drinking it all in...deliciously. I've stumbled upon greatness at times, which leads me to check out who that person follows. Effectually, this process has opened up a whole new world for me…a plethora of worlds, actually. All told in different voices, through different dialects, from different perspectives...i simply love the variety!

One i've found particularly enjoyable and useful is http://fromsarahwithjoy.blogspot.com/ "From Sarah, With Joy". It’s weird to say but i almost feel at home there, when reading that blog. I find her voice to be familiar and comforting. And her ideas relatable and feasible. But anywho, i digress...upon reading her blog post today i came across an idea that wholly appealed to me! To touch back on what i started this post with...i’m airing on the side of caution and putting it word for word as i encountered it....

'Blogging from A to Z April challenge'

'For those of you unaware of the A-Z blogging challenge, its an awesome blogfest hosted by Arlee Bird's Tossing it Out. The challenge is to blog Monday through Saturday, with posts themed A through Z. I've been trying to blog every single day, including Sundays, and this will provide some organization and motivation as far as that goes. It's not too late to sign up, if you're interested. So, for the letter A.'

Okay, so that's where i got this idea from, and this is me attempting to rise to the challenge!

A is for acceptance.

Acceptance IN the vast sense....& OF a variety of things. For the cards you're dealt in life, for the luck that comes your way, for the circumstances that are beyond your control...pretty much anything that comes upon you unsolicitedly. The definition is as follows:

ac·cept·ance

   [ak-sep-tuhns] Show IPA

–noun

1.

the act of taking or receiving something offered.

2.

favorable reception; approval; favor.

3.

the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.

4.

the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.

1. Acceptance in the fact that whatever Master Plan is already intricately woven for you is, and has been, in effect. That all these trials & tribulations....hurt, pain & tears, are necessary stepping stones down the path of your journey. They are building blocks in the structure that is YOU...necessary elements in the conditioning of your soul! So, welcome them...for, they sculpt you. In a way you won’t fully understand until later….down the road, in retrospect.

2. So, just 'accepting' whatever comes your way becomes comparable to demonstrating unwavering TRUST...having blind FAITH in the Universe (which is easier said than done, i know). BUT, if you know in the forefront of your mind that things will work out as they are meant to, then that frees up your energy, heart, body and spirit from the unnecessary worry and stress.

3. ‘The act of assenting or believing’, I interpret that to mean giving in, or believing undoubtedly that the events unfolding now are in your best interest in the long run. So, you ACCEPT it (see the recurring theme?!?) J

4. Now, #4, ‘the fact or state of being accepted’, that one I slightly have an issue with. I am aware of humans’ needs to be a part of something, to feel as if they belong. Yet, I am from the line of thinking which believes the acceptance which outweighs all others, is that which stems from YOURSELF. You have to accept and love yourself before anyone else can, or will. Besides, who are they anyways…these elusive, worldly people who are not even worthy to judge you OR determine whether or not you’ll be accepted. Only your unconditional acceptance of yourself prevails in the end.

So…..that’s my first blog of the April challenge! Exciting stuff! I’m eager to see where this assignment takes me….to what it helps me uncover & learn!

Now…keeping with the ‘A’ theme of this post….let me tell you why my day was SO Amaaazing!!! J Today…after 5 tumultuous, hellacious months…& a day after the original contract expired….i finally received the approval from the bank of the lower sale price (per the appraisal) and we got an extension on the contract until May 2, 2011…but we’re still shooting to close mid-April! Oh, I also got a solid approval from underwriting today, so…those were all the things I needed to proceed, I’m good to go! Now the ball is in their court, and we just…..wait some more! Oh, good ole short sales…gotta love ‘em! (NOT) But, I do have faith that this will all be WELL worth it when all is said and done. I just, gotta get there….WITH my sanity in tact.

divine synchronicity

I was reminded today, just how much everything really is all *part of the plan*. How beautifully and intricately we are all intertwined! Tonight, randomly...a girl came by my house with a friend of one of MY friends, so this chick is like three times removed. And as we sit & chill she notices the pictures on my bookshelf. She gets up to look closer, then asked me if i know michele, the girl in the picture with me. I was like, 'THAT michele...in that picture? Well, yeah..that's my BFF & my roommate!' Apparently she had lived next door to michele and mang years ago..prob 6 or 7 years ago now. Interestingly enough, said girl had just gone through a dramatic break-up (WITH crazy-lezbo fight) earlier this week...and could probably use some good friends right now, especially someone she already knows. So i text michele and ask her i she remembers the girl, to which she excitedly responds 'yes i remember her, i love her!!' And so....two friends who've been far apart for many years are reunited at a time when both need it most. Beautiful divine, universal synchronicity in action...

Almost daily i am reminded of the divine, effortless order of the Universe. So often i get lost in thought, worry and stress about things which i have no control over, when...if i'd just trust and be open to whatever comes my way, having FAITH that it is what's best for me....i'd be a lot better off! I know it in the forefront of my mind...and when i'm fully PRESENT, and i bring myself back to center, i do have faith in it...but amidst the worldliness and daily stressors, it becomes increasingly difficult at times.

I am a writer, a poet...a lover of all things written, composed, & artfully created...i was a Literature major at FSU, and an avid reader ALL growing up. I love WORDS...i appreciate beautiful composition and articulation. I adore quotes...a gathering of a few strong words, placed in a powerful order, leaving its impression on the reader. One day i'll blog about my favorite quotes (because, BOY do i have a loooong running list of them) but not just yet. What i was getting to in all this is that i love quotes...and i have one inscribed on each of my wrists. Both of which have their own significance and importance to me. But the one on my right wrist is my most recent, & the most applicable for this discussion. It is the Nietzsche quote 'amor fati' (see pic above, definition below)

Straight from the mouth of Wikipedia..."Amor fati is a Latin phrase coined by Nietzsche loosely translating to "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good. Moreover, it is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life." <-- THIS, is how i live. I view everything that happens...even the hurt, loss and pain...as GOOD. As...necessary, even. Necessary in the sense that those happenings are the stepping stones that got me to these NEXT levels. Those lessons brought me wisdom...those scars made me tougher. And, so...i welcome it with open arms....

Standing on the edge of the precipice....

The cool breeze kisses my cheeks...and tousles my hair, as i sit in my rocking chair and drink in this glorious day! Today, as i sit....i'm in a peculiar place. A place of conflicting, overloading emotions and feelings. A place somewhat foreign to me because usually when change is upon me, i grab it with both hands and move fully forward, excitedly! This case is rather different though...different in the fact that I am at the complete mercy of the process. Which, is a hard pill to swallow for a control freak like me! lol. My life is either about to change radically, or....it will stay invariably the same. Neither result can i bank on at this point, and i've still got a few weeks left in this stressful process as well.

The process, to make you all aware, is the (short sale) purchase of a beautiful little 3bed/2 bath bungalow in Seminole Heights. It's a short sale, which is really just code for "complete and total pain in the ass", because first the seller has to do their share of the paperwork....then the bank accepts my offer and we do MY part of the paperwork....which is in no way a quick and easy process. I put my original offer in at the end of Oct. 20010. I didnt get my approval on the offer till February 2nd, and we were supposed to close on March 31st, 2011...but here we are a few days from that and more issues have popped up. The appraisal was friday, and while we dont have the final results yet, i think it came in kinda low. My Realtor informed me that there's been an occurrence which could possibly change the deal, but mostly in my favor, so that's a good thing i think. But the bank will have to agree to a lower selling price though, if it didnt appraise at what the loan is for. So...more hassle, new stressors....constant ups and downs. But, im ready. It'll all be worth it to me in a few weeks when im unpacking in my NEW house!

Overall, this process has taught me a lot though. And it helped me realize that i've matured more than i thought i had. I've handled the ups and downs with more grace than usual...and less emotion. Its definitely made me stronger. And, if it doesnt ultimately end up working out, then ill be okay with the fact that that house wasn't it for me...but that there will be one that is!

Another overall problem im facing in this point in time is that there's a lot of instability in my life at the moment. Which is NOT usual. I've been at the same job for 4 years...almost 4 years living here on Duncan....i'm a pretty grounded and settled person. So for my life to be hanging in the balance as it is now, and for it to be totally out of my control as well....is a test of all tests, i swear! In addition to the constant ups and downs with the house...my job just drastically changed as well. Our Director, who'd been there for 7 years, resigned on March 12th, 2011. And her replacement is like night and day. We went from virtually no restrictions/ micro-managing to total rules and regulations, in the matter of 2 weeks. Fast enough to make your head spin, that for sure. We're expected to do more work, but in less time (no OT anymore) Its all just so whacked out and crazy and sudden.

So....uncertainty in life...uncertainty and dislike at the job...instability in certain friendships...its all accumulating. But...i've made it thus far, and i intend to make it to the end. Last woman standing, type shit! I never walk away from a fight...it's just, right now im tired! Worn out, beaten down, stressed out. The constant roller coaster, the uncontrollable variables in this house buying process. Its...a lot to take on & balance.

Hence why i say im standing on the edge of a precipice...teetering on the edge of drastic change, and monotonous normalcy. Im at such a crossroads...a turning point...a NEW fresh chapter stands before me, unwritten. Gloriously MINE for the making! I've just got to hold on a little longer.

Then it'll be full-speed ahead, catapulting into the next stage of life for me. I believe that's why im being tested now. But with optimism, persistence and an indomitable will, i WILL ultimately succeed! Its not a matter of IF, but WHEN. :)

Fine line.... (3/1/2011)

LIFE is peculiar, at times

ever-evolving & unexpected…

*abrupt & dramatic*

toughening, yet...humbling…

a vast array of paradoxes

metaphors & similes…

....learning lessons and

stepping stones.

paired next to each other,

close together...on top

joined as one...interlocked.

One leads to the other....

~ a means to an end

~ a new beginning to commence

~ an intertwining journey of

ego versus higher-self.

there's a fine line between

CONTROL....& CIRCUMSTANCE....

a FINE line, my friends.

REALIZE what is within your control...

& RECOGNIZE what happens out of chance.

FATE, if you will...

'AMOR FATI' - Nietzsche

means * love your fate*....

love EVERYTHING that happened to you,

to get you where you are

TODAY!

Its inscribed on my right wrist

to remind me to be GRATEFUL...

for the trials and tribulations

for the scars, hurt & PAIN,

for the lessons and enlightenments....

for the path that's lead me HERE.

Because...i LIKE, here! :)

and, next time?? Well...

next time ill be braver,

Ill be MY OWN savior...

and not attempt to be that,

for everyone other than

me.

<3

Then and now...

REBIRTH (originally written 2/8/2010)

I've learned and grown more in the past 4 months than i have in all of my 28 years! I see the world through new eyes, i've rid my life of the LIES, and the people who try to suck me dry....

I've gained new perspective.....i've found my purpose. I've returned to MYSELF, to the me i was once....before i became *your* martyr....before i sacrificed myself so willingly...

Ive found my happy place, my path in life....my life in ME....mySELF indeed.

I no longer look back, only forward, to the glory that's coming my way! I make the most of every day....say what i really want to SAY....because, why not?? Its MY life now, in every way, shape and form....

my life is now adorned...with positivity, and spirituality, and enlightenment....wrapped in beauty not of this world....

my soul hungers for knowledge, my mind yearns for a challenge, my feet walk a road they've never met before....

*i feel so alive*

and all the scars, all the pain....served to fortify me, in such a way...that no other experience could.

i wouldn't change a thing....not how it started, not how it ebbed & flowed......not even how it ended. Because it all brought me HERE....to the point in my life where i feel ALIVE, like never before. I feel so WISE, equipped with spiritual guides....my life has come together, EFFORTLESSLY!

And i know who i want to have by my side....the few who preside, in my corner and behind me ALWAYS. Those chosen few who've proven that they'll aid me in my journey...

and both through my internal rebirth, and my external awareness, i have reached a point of higher enlightenment that has never been obtained before......

......and my life is complete <3