At the precipice...

precipice  (ˈprɛsɪpɪs)
 
— n
1. a. the steep sheer face of a cliff or crag
  b. the cliff or crag itself
2. a precarious situation

At the precipice. THAT is where I'm standing. Teetering on the edge.....peering over the side...wavering between the comfort I've known for years...and the change, and NEWNESS that is before me. I don't like wavering....undulating back and forth in uncertainty. I don't like rapid movement and change.

I like SOLID GROUND. Surety....answers and reasons, not ambiguity and unfamiliarity. I think that's why I'm struggling so much with this....this departure...this letting go of what has been, to welcome, and allow for what is to come, I'm so comfortable at my job....I've been there forEVER, it seems. I could do it backwards and forward with my eyes closed.

But....that's just it...It's not a challenge anymore. And I'm not using my abilities/talents/TRUE knowledge....I'm just, hmmm...I guess you could say I've gotten complacent. And, I need to be challenged...in life, in work...I need cultivation...stimulation...challenges! I like problem-solving...AND, I'm an eternal optimist...so I can see the silver lining in almost every situation. And bearing those qualities equipped & facilitated me well in life. So that's why I'm saying this....out loud to myself as I'm writing it, and in my head as well. To reiterate that although I'm sad to be leaving a network of people who've been family/friends to me through 5 of the most vital and life-changing years in my life, I'm also moving into the next chapter and finally challenging/testing/proving myself in a new and different realm. Which is EXCITING, it's hella exciting! So idk wtf I'm being such a big baby about...this is new and fitting for where I'm at in life, so I'm just gonna try and go with it.

The people who are meant to join me in the next chapter, will! And in the meantime, I work on cultivating ME. THis was it...the last big change that I had committed to doing for myself. First it was getting the house...moving on uuuuup, from Duncan to Crenshaw; then it was unexpectedly losing multiple 'supposed life-long friends', letting go of certain "circles"/the scene....and creating for myself a new and different dynamic of friends....on that ADULT tip!! I ended up in a PERFECT neighborhood, with better-than-you-could-ever-ASK-for neighbors, who are SO cool & genuine people too {which is RARE nowadays - to say the least} And now I've finally left the job that I had gotten so comfortable at...onto something that's more my passion. And I can start off with a clean slate and stay organized from the get-go and finally prove what I can REALLY do....the depth of what I'm truly capable of ;) and, that def feels good! So, I'm changing my perspective...I won't be sad and mourn leaving Everest...I'll leave happy, looking and feeling GREAT! Im gonna Have MUCHO fun tomorrow night with the peeps I love @ Tally Ho's.... it's gonna be aaaalllllllll GOOD :)

{sn - I'm SO glad I was able to FINALLY get on Blogger and write and work through my feelings about this bittersweet crossroads I'm at...I feel better just having gotten it all out and making some sense of my feelings} <3

the end of an era

These past few days have been intense. But i've made it through the tumultuous parts and it should be nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.

I interviewed for this new job, and it went great, but then i had to wait for a few days. I interviewed on the 18th, last Thurs. They told me they were interested that next day, friday, and said they were doing my background check and formalizing the offer, & that they'd be in touch. Then i didn't hear anything for the rest of Friday or Monday morning. I followed up on Mon and she told me no action was needed on my part and that the Director would be in touch later that day. Buuuuut, i didnt hear anything on Monday But i got the call/official offer Tues morning. So, Tues night i wrote my letter of resignation and submitted it this morning (wed), and BOOOOOOOY was i nervous! It all went really well though, surprisingly. So...im officially on my way out of Everest and onto my next, new chapter!

Must say, it is bittersweet though. I've been there for almost 5 years! There are a lot of people there i love very much. A lot of people i don't want to leave :( i'm sad about it, although im dually happy & excited for the new experiences/opportunities. Its just new, and scary....stepping out of the comfort zone is always super scary. But. this is my last step. My last big, monumental change.

And so, i'm well on my way. Steadily forward, pushing through all obstacles, persevering over all odds. I'm following my heart, and my gut....and i KNOW it wont steer me wrong. Here is to the end of an era...the close of a chapter. And on to a brand new clean slate full of fresh new opportunities and experiences.

the eve of the next chapter...

Tonight is an important night.

Followed by tomorrow which is an even MORE important day! I'm hoping to make a change tomorrow....to solidify success in a new direction. To branch out and do something new, refreshing, rewarding! I'm feeling good...and everything else is falling into place so i can only believe that i'm on the right track and that it'll all work out in my favor.

The security that having faith provides is priceless! I know that only so much is within my control....i know that i have to make the best of the cards which are dealt to me...play my best hand, if you will.

And although this is all scary...i'm following my gut and acting on the guidance i'm receiving from within {or, withOUT...from who knows where}

But i feel it, and im pulled towards it.

'IT' being, success. I'm hungry for it....i SEE it in my future...i'm just on a journey to successfully choreograph the steps to get me from here to there...from point A to point B. I'm not sure what they are....and i cant see exactly where they'll fall...but i CAN take comfort in the fact that my best interest is being served.

And, that's enough for me right now :)

Just tweet it

Follow @meaganbb1

fork in the road...

So many messages....so much change. All clamoring in together, over-top one another...layers of meaning, nuances of new beginnings. While overwhelming, its also dually invigorating.

In a matter of 2 short months, the pillars of support (which i thought were a necessary part of my sanity - and survival) fell away....and, whattya know.....im still here, standing strong and tall as ever. Which just goes to show that very little is needed {other than yourself, and your own private drive/journey} to truly make it in life. Life prepares you to think/feel as if you NEED others to be okay, as if the participation of others in your daily life somehow gives meaning, relevance, purpose to.....YOU, as an ethereal being.

It does not. On the contrary, when you are WHERE you're supposed to be in life, the inclusion of worthy people in your daily endeavors adds that much more meaning and relevance to your journey. I used to think that certain people were essential, when....in reality, they were mere crutches. Facilitators which lead me to believe they were helping, but were merely enabling and undermining my individuality and certainty.

Those people are now gone. And what is left is the sheer determination of one individual, hell-bent on making something of herself, and making a difference in this world.

I'm grateful for the lessons i learn daily...and for the people who remain by my side, unconditionally. And i'm grateful that the others have been removed :) I see clearer by the day...

transitions

Big things are in the air...the winds of change blow wild throughout. Monumental disagreements, abrupt endings, radical differences....it's all a little much if you ask me. BUT, these are all necessary steps. Steps which will bring us steadily to the next chapter...elevate us to the next level of awareness.

The next chapter, for me....is...hmmmmm, i guess.....adulthood, if you will. I'll explain; the point that im at in life currently is such a place where i have to put myself first. I have to take care of ME, because no one else will. I have to stop trying to help/fix/save everyone, and realize that if im supposed to be a vessel and deliver a message, that im to do only that. Not attempt to coerce/asisst and/or speed up the situation...but to simply help shed the light and provide direction, then.....i must learn to LET PEOPLE GO, let them do it on their own. I have to allow people the chance to DO for themselves, to stop enabling them. I dont know why it is that i feel like i can help anyone....im surely no expert, merely an optimistic idealist with a big heart. But, up to this point....its rarely gotten me anything but hurt and disappointment. Im over being taken advantage of. Im sick of trying to help others to my own detriment. Why? Why do i do these things?

Regardless the answer, it all ends here. I put Meagan first...i put Crenshaw first! I redirect focus inward, and release the urge/desire/NEED to save everyone else. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. You can give someone all the support and stability needed to achieve success, yet....you cant make them WANT it...hunger for it. That's up to them. Its like my students....i give them the resources and its then up to them to do the leg-work; to submit the applications, to go to the interviews, to follow-up, etc. In life, you can provide someone with all the tools they could ever need, yet.....if they're not ready to do their portion of the work for it, then the buck stops there. I cant make you want it.

See.......me personally...I crave success. I thrive on achievement. I steadily hunger for more! I sit in my house and look around and know that i did this for myself....me, myself, and i. It's an absolutely priceless feeling.

And so i release all the things that hold me back and/or bring me down....and i just look onward, and upward, to the many blessings that i am showered with daily.

I believe that its my time to walk alone again. To concentrate on cultivating me, and my home. To spend time in meditation, to be one with spirit, to exercise and really LIVE life actively. THAT is where im at currently. And while these transitions have hurt me and essentially knocked the wind right out of me...ive gotten back up and kept chugging onward because....well, thats just what i do. Thats what i have to do, to make it in this world. There are no 'time-outs' in life, there are no freeze-frames or do-overs. This is the REAL DEAL y'all. Hold on tight and enjoy the ride...

reality check

The events of today hit me like a ton of bricks....out of nowhere, drastic and major...it knocked the breath right out of me. I believe i'm still reeling from it. But what i've come to learn lately is that this is a time of endings, and a time of beginnings. That those who you thought would ALWAYS be around, may not be destined to be in the picture forever. That those friends who you'd characterize as 'lifetime' friends in the blink of an eye.....would horrifyingly turn into mere 'season' friends....making their way out of your life once serving their purpose.

Nothing is certain in life but death, taxes and change. Those things you can pretty much BANK on. And while i pick up the pieces, wash the salt out of my wounds, and remove the knife dually from my back, and my heart...i'll never again be the same. I'll never put myself out there to help another person {to my own detriment} again. I'll never open my home to someone who can't contribute mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially.

I always want to help/fix/save everyone. THAT'S NOT MY JOB. I've got to take care of and support ME. Cause damn sure aint NONE of these people gonna do it for me! I'm done carrying others. I'm over trying to help, and getting berated and shitted on. Yeah i have high standards....but look at the quality of life i provide for myself! Look at how i live....THAT'S what having high standards gets me. A quality life.

I'm realizing more and more that it really IS all about quality, and not quantity. {As far as friends go, anyways}

A true friend is there for you in your darkest hour, no questions asked.

A real friend realizes and appreciates what you do to help them.

A genuine person doesn't want to inflict more stress/burden/hurt on you than the world and its circumstances already do on their own!

These are all realizations i've arrived at recently. Well....i don't know if i'd say 'arrived at', {in such a laid-back, caj fashion} as much as i'd say i was rudely and abruptly thrown at the feet of. And as i looked up at the dark, towering, ominous realizations....i felt the cold slap to my face....::SLAAAAAP::

Reality check.

Just like that.....

quick right turn...

The events of my life have been rather peculiar lately. Not in a negative way or anything....just, in a..."wow, i never expected THAT" kinda way! I think i'm navigating the rough waters well, considering.

But it's definitely a big thing to comprehend when your life takes a turn down a road which you thought was a dead-end. Suddenly, there's a road there. And not just ANY road...but a road you're hungry, & excited, to explore! It's kind of baffling. Kind of scary.....and kinda really a lot to process. But, im big on gut feelings, and i trust what i'm feeling...however big and scary it may be ;)

everything happens for a reason, i'm a firm believer....and i will wait patiently with open arms until its my time to shine! <3

FULL CIRCLE

Today, May 26th, 2011 has been a good day....a real good day. It started off a little rough, but redeemed itself wholeheartedly by the end <3

I got the chance to come full circle today....i made amends, and cleansed my karma. It felt{/feels} so great! So light and airy...im def breathing easier. Okay....so here's the back-story....

The other day {out of nowhere} i felt pulled to......hmm, 'right a wrong', let's say. So, i scrounged up my big balls, took the 1st step....and reached out to a very big part of my past, a person integral in the sculpting of me {the REAL me}. I knew i had been vengeful, and purposefully spiteful in recent months, and i played power games simply for the ihavepoweroveryou aspect, which is NEVER acceptable. And i still had something of hers too, a Mac computer.....so i knew i had to give it back and clear the air. So, i texted her....and to my surprise, it went better than i thought it would've. Anyways, that's the gist of it.

So today she came over for dinner, and our other 2 friends came too. We went outside to talk alone....and I looked her right in the face, straight in her eyes and explained that, yes...i know i was purposefully hurtful towards her. And, yes.....i played power games simply cause i COULD, cause i had that power...and that i was sorry.

and, you know.....i think that was a necessary step on the path to my future. I feel a weight lifted...and we both expressed that we're 2 totally diff people now than we were years ago...when we'd go round and round, on and off, up and down, all crazy-like! I believe we're both over it {all the hurt from the past} and that we'll both be able to be mature adults and build a solid friendship now. I hope that's how it works out, cause i had kinda missed her freakin funny ass....and she WAS an integral part of making me who i am today. She deserves to see the real, cool, down-to-earth me...the ME of present day....since she put up with the looney-tune-me for so many years. So....def feeling real good right about now. :) At peace, and optimistic for the rest of the opportunities/lessons that are sure to come my way <3

Emotionality

Finding myself in a rather precarious situation these last few days....& particularly tonight i feel more emotional than usual. I think, perhaps, that i've flung open the door to Pandora's box....and in doing that....out came emotions/feelings/desires i hadnt entertained for some time now. Kind of made me feel a lil weak to be overcome with feelings/thoughts reminiscent of the past....so quickly.

But i think this is probably all happening for a reason....and i am purposefully having to confront these emotions right now. I dont like it. Its too much to process, all these up~and~down feelings...in rapid succession like this. ugh.

and now i honestly dont know which way is up. Fuck, man! One day at a time, i guess. Thats how i shall proceed....

And hopefully the payoff will come...after the clarity sets in. For both of us.