transitions

Big things are in the air...the winds of change blow wild throughout. Monumental disagreements, abrupt endings, radical differences....it's all a little much if you ask me. BUT, these are all necessary steps. Steps which will bring us steadily to the next chapter...elevate us to the next level of awareness.

The next chapter, for me....is...hmmmmm, i guess.....adulthood, if you will. I'll explain; the point that im at in life currently is such a place where i have to put myself first. I have to take care of ME, because no one else will. I have to stop trying to help/fix/save everyone, and realize that if im supposed to be a vessel and deliver a message, that im to do only that. Not attempt to coerce/asisst and/or speed up the situation...but to simply help shed the light and provide direction, then.....i must learn to LET PEOPLE GO, let them do it on their own. I have to allow people the chance to DO for themselves, to stop enabling them. I dont know why it is that i feel like i can help anyone....im surely no expert, merely an optimistic idealist with a big heart. But, up to this point....its rarely gotten me anything but hurt and disappointment. Im over being taken advantage of. Im sick of trying to help others to my own detriment. Why? Why do i do these things?

Regardless the answer, it all ends here. I put Meagan first...i put Crenshaw first! I redirect focus inward, and release the urge/desire/NEED to save everyone else. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. You can give someone all the support and stability needed to achieve success, yet....you cant make them WANT it...hunger for it. That's up to them. Its like my students....i give them the resources and its then up to them to do the leg-work; to submit the applications, to go to the interviews, to follow-up, etc. In life, you can provide someone with all the tools they could ever need, yet.....if they're not ready to do their portion of the work for it, then the buck stops there. I cant make you want it.

See.......me personally...I crave success. I thrive on achievement. I steadily hunger for more! I sit in my house and look around and know that i did this for myself....me, myself, and i. It's an absolutely priceless feeling.

And so i release all the things that hold me back and/or bring me down....and i just look onward, and upward, to the many blessings that i am showered with daily.

I believe that its my time to walk alone again. To concentrate on cultivating me, and my home. To spend time in meditation, to be one with spirit, to exercise and really LIVE life actively. THAT is where im at currently. And while these transitions have hurt me and essentially knocked the wind right out of me...ive gotten back up and kept chugging onward because....well, thats just what i do. Thats what i have to do, to make it in this world. There are no 'time-outs' in life, there are no freeze-frames or do-overs. This is the REAL DEAL y'all. Hold on tight and enjoy the ride...

reality check

The events of today hit me like a ton of bricks....out of nowhere, drastic and major...it knocked the breath right out of me. I believe i'm still reeling from it. But what i've come to learn lately is that this is a time of endings, and a time of beginnings. That those who you thought would ALWAYS be around, may not be destined to be in the picture forever. That those friends who you'd characterize as 'lifetime' friends in the blink of an eye.....would horrifyingly turn into mere 'season' friends....making their way out of your life once serving their purpose.

Nothing is certain in life but death, taxes and change. Those things you can pretty much BANK on. And while i pick up the pieces, wash the salt out of my wounds, and remove the knife dually from my back, and my heart...i'll never again be the same. I'll never put myself out there to help another person {to my own detriment} again. I'll never open my home to someone who can't contribute mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially.

I always want to help/fix/save everyone. THAT'S NOT MY JOB. I've got to take care of and support ME. Cause damn sure aint NONE of these people gonna do it for me! I'm done carrying others. I'm over trying to help, and getting berated and shitted on. Yeah i have high standards....but look at the quality of life i provide for myself! Look at how i live....THAT'S what having high standards gets me. A quality life.

I'm realizing more and more that it really IS all about quality, and not quantity. {As far as friends go, anyways}

A true friend is there for you in your darkest hour, no questions asked.

A real friend realizes and appreciates what you do to help them.

A genuine person doesn't want to inflict more stress/burden/hurt on you than the world and its circumstances already do on their own!

These are all realizations i've arrived at recently. Well....i don't know if i'd say 'arrived at', {in such a laid-back, caj fashion} as much as i'd say i was rudely and abruptly thrown at the feet of. And as i looked up at the dark, towering, ominous realizations....i felt the cold slap to my face....::SLAAAAAP::

Reality check.

Just like that.....