bidding adieu to yet another year....

So, as per usual, it's been months and months since i last wrote. No real explanation as to why, i guess life just got in the way. It's really no excuse, but....que sera sera.

Although, in retrospect, I feel that 2013 was a super formative year, so I'm both torn to see it go, and also excited for what's to come. My love moved here in Feb, and i can honestly say I've never been happier than in the months he's been here with me. We get along great, and are going to try for a family in February, so i'll keep you guys posted on that as well.

This was an emotionally trying year, as far as my health goes. But, i'm happy to say that I'm mostly over those issues. All should be smooth sailing going forward. I'm also about to start P90X3 in a few days, so that should give me something to put my time and energy into. I'm super stoked to see the results.

I also want to blog more this year. Like, really consistently write. It's my outlet, i don't know why i don't do it more willingly. I've also really gotten into makeup, and would LOVE to become a MUA. I'm just starting out now, but i'm learning A LOT, and totally enjoying myself as well.

I plan to do another, more detailed blog post soon. I just wanted to write SOMETHING, to knock the dust off. It's been a minute, but hopefully will be sooner rather than later when i write again.

Until then.....

the beginning, and the end....

It seems as though the length of time between my posts increases every time.
JANUARY?? Really, Meagan?! How embarrassing.

The fact remains, I haven't been able to find time for writing at all in these past five months. In fact....I've barely been able to keep up with my job and day-to-day responsibilities, as of late. But, I've been powering through, giving it all I've got, and taking it one day at a time. Alas, despite being on Synthroid, my health hasn't significantly improved. And my job has gotten ten million times more stressful...I'm just spread so thin.

I've found myself wound SO tight, lately. In a bad, bad way. I've been under a lot of stress, and I've struggled with managing my emotions at work a few times over the past few months. Which....is unacceptable. So, to put it in layman's terms, I've cried at work a few times over the past few months, but not in front of anyone super big. The point is...my emotions have control over me, i do not have power over my emotions, at the moment. I have to examine my life, and make changes that will help me get to where i need to be. I need to write. I need to release. I need to have outlets for my words, thoughts and feelings. I need to change my mindset, and manifest good health for myself. I need to DO something. MAKE a change, take action and produce results, already! I've been stagnant. And that's not like me. And it's making me crazy.

On top of my stupid thyroid, which is also making me crazy. So, to recap...I had an endo appointment on April 11th, and that's when he finally prescribed me the Synthroid. Diagnosis was subclinical hypothyroidism on February 25th, but they wanted to test my levels one more time (took test on 4/8/13) and it was at my 4/11 appt that he finally gave me the medicine. I started it on 4/16/13. Since I started it, I feel better energy-wise, and I'm not always cold and lethargic like i was previously. But, i still have palpitations, and I'm still having a lot of difficulty losing weight.So, i feel better overall...but would say I'm only at 60/65% at this point. I have a followup on Thursday, the 6th, and I'm going to ask about natural meds vs. synthetics, and I'm doing my research, educating my self as best I know how.

But that, coupled with my super stressful job, now. And how they always seem to want more...more calls, more dials, more talk time....more, more MORE. I'ts hard. I'm spending 5 and 6 straight hours on the phone, a day, with students. I have 2 different cohorts of students, i have to juggle both and maintain each population. It's a lot to balance. I don't have time for twitter anymore either. I used to do it during the day, while at work....but now, there's absolutely no time.

So, this is an interesting time for me right now. It's a beginning and an ending for me. An ending in the sense that I'm stepping away from twitter. A beginning in the sense that i'm starting to really focus inward and do good things for myself. Tonight, i started my "me-time" in the zen room. I set a timer, and just spent a few (30-ish) minutes in there breathing, stretching and journaling. Thinking, expressing, and purging. I felt palpably better after my time in there. And i really feel like if i make that a daily thing, i will be SO much calmer and more able to deal with life and it's stressors.

So....that's my plan. More writing, expressing, stretching, yoga, meditation, manifesting....less bitching and moaning and helplessly. No pity parties. And damn sure no more stagnation. It's full speed ahead for me from this point out. 

My Thyroid is out to get me

The last few months have been really hard for me. I haven't really been able to pinpoint WHAT exactly it is that's been plaguing me, but I've known, without a doubt....that something has been off.

I've always had a lot of energy, all my life. I'm a go-getter. And I'm OCD, so i keep my house pristine, and stay on top of my chores, laundry, cleaning ALL the time. In the past few months, it's been increasingly difficult for me to be productive around the house, even when i drink a 5-hour energy or a Starbucks double-shot. I feel very lethargic, and ambivalent, even. I just don't have the energy to feel bad about it, and i definitely don't have the energy to do anything about it. It's odd. I usually rationalize my way out of it, mentally...but that's just my means for justification, and my avenue to peace of mind.

I've also been working really hard at eating right and working out lately. Like, applying myself, and trying harder than EVER before in my life! But, I've literally lost less than 5 pounds over a 2 1/2 month period. Basically....I'm trying harder than ever, and having less results than ever. And its making me feel crazy. It fucks with my head....i KNOW i'm doing everything i'm supposed to be doing. My body is not responding.

My body is pretty much making me a prisoner. I'm trying to better myself, and i'm met with resistance. I give it my heart and soul, yet....don't see a damn bit of results. It's infuriating. And disheartening. So, after speaking to friends and family, and doing research online....i decided to ask my doctor if she could do tests for a thyroid problem. On Thursday  i went in for a full panel of blood work, plus 3 additional thyroid tests {TSH, T3, & T4}. It may not be anything...this may all be a coincident. But, at least the blood work will tell me for sure.

But, these past few months...now that i look back and connect the dots.....these past few months have been difficult because I've been depressed, inexplicably {because, my life is GOOD. I'm super blessed} . I've had zero energy, zero luck with my eating right/exercising endeavors....and, in effect, it's caused my self-esteem to falter. I feel fat and disgusting right now. My clothes don't fit right, and i only have ONE bra big enough for me now. I look in the mirror, naked...and i'm disgusted. I'm disappointed. I'ts all negative....

So, i'm very excited to finally have some answers  To be able to get some treatment, and assistance with what I've been going through. The ambiguity of it all has been the hardest part. And, GOD BLESS my boyfriend for putting up with me and helping me make sense of the mood swings, feelings, and lessons. Overall, i'm incredibly blessed & happy. I just....i don't feel right, in my body right now.

But, Next week we'll know for sure :)