planetary pull

Something is in the air today.

Something inherent... implied. Something underlyingly aggravating, and grating to one's nerves.

Everyone is feeling it.

Literally, every single person i encountered today was having an emotionally trying day. Is it some sort of end-of-the-year closure, cluster-fuck energy-boom madness? Is it an imagined, yet universally felt last grasp to make sense of, and tie up loose ends to, all the complex situation that presented themselves over the course of 2011?

Is it literally a planetary pull, and/or some sort of sign from the Universe?

We may never know, BUT...i plan to ride it out.... and finish up 2011 with a bang. Tying up loose ends, getting organized...purging myself of thee bullshit.

Feels liberating. Invigorating. I'm starting 2012 on the right foot.

Footloose and fancy-free <3

el siete de diciembre

So much time lapses...where does it all go? Days meld into weeks, which become months and im so far out of touch with the outlet that soothes and heals me. I dont know why i dont blog more regularly...it's a goal of mine to start doing it more often.

But here i am....weeks removed from having last wrote on here, and i've run the full gamut of emotions and feelings in record time. I think that's why i havent written more. Because my head has been spinning, and i've been trying to make sense of everything and everyone i was encountering. Analyzing and thinking and questioning. Rationalizing and speculating....projecting and reviewing. Those are a lot of verbs, if you ask me! Tiring work...emotionally exhausting.

And to sit in retrospect and review the last few months...hell, the majority of this YEAR, and all the monumental life changes i endured...it's been a crazy ride, to say the least.

BUT, i must say im grateful for the direction in which my life is now headed. And although it was a painful journey...i definitely learned from it and am a better person because of it. One day ill recount the story, in all its glory. But, probably not for a while...i need to still make sense of it all first. Beautiful chaos...that is thee story of my life.

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” - Friedrich Nietzsche <3

Take Care

The last few weeks have been especially trying for me...especially emotionally EXHAUSTING. I've lacked the closure necessary to allow one to move on, and, in that....remained in open-wound mode.

I'm usually very resilient, but...for some odd reason, that
knee-jerk, kick-back reaction hasn't....REACTED into place...
I haven't been able to bounce back...

So...3 weeks it has been...this friday makes a solid four. And, i feel that
I finally have a coping mechanism...a tool that will allow me to make sense of
the whirlwind of emotions i'm swirling in.

And that is Take Care. 21 tracks of amazing Drake goodness, as i had waited for the So Far Gone mixtape in Feb 2009, and Thank Me Late in June 2010...i waited anxiously for Take Care, in its Nov. 2011 release date. I specifically did not listen to the album when it leaked the weekend prior to official release.

I wanted to hear it in all if its uncut and uncensored glory. I didn't want to ruin the pureness of the moment, of that first listen i get...to all his songs
the introduction i get to all his lyrics...the web of words i'm drawn into
so eloquently
the beats that course throughout my body.

His music heals me..his words soothe me...his lyrics intrigue me
I retreat into a world that is Drake
where its nothing but...
his voice in my earphones
his singing to my ears
his words to my heart...

"Get it understood yeah, it's all good yeah
Girl I know it's real cause I've been around it
You only want whats real you just never found it
Don't give them no more chances, Oh girl they had there turn
Everything for a reason, There's things you had to learn from them
But when I get you to myself
You know what's going down, what's going down" - Drizzy- Practice, Take Care

full moon, 11.11.11

Transparent gray clouds soar quickly over the bright, full moon.
the leaves on nearby trees, dance in the breeze....
rustling...the wind whips...
kisses my cheeks
...envelopes exposed fingertips making them numb, unfamiliar.

i feel the power of the moonlight, shining on me tonight
shining bright....
I feel the pure energy, the manifestation of millions
as i look up at the moon, and breathe deep in though my nose
the moon shines brighter, as if to answer
my call....It answers in lighted illumination,
PERFECTLY timed...again and again when i
concentrate and envision.

The wind grows louder...blows harder....
the Universe speaks
and i earnestly listen.
This is my time, as a LIGHTworker...
as an empath, who can help people.
This is why i soak up the moons energy, and i recharge my own
inner battery with natural MOONLIGHT.

I feel....at one.
Universal oneness....WHOLEness with oneself.
Universal synchronicity, divine intervention
The Universe possesses powers beyond our control...
beyond our mere scope of understanding. Complex depth.

The moon is powerful tonight. You should take 5 minutes
to bask in its light. Breathe deeply and envision the light
course through your mind, body, soul...pure white light.

Come back to center....start over again.
Today is 11.11.11....and the best is about to begin! :)

hello blogger my old friend....

Oh how i've missed thee. Ive been neglecting you....or rather, neglecting ME. Neglecting my chosen outlet, my coping mechanism...my CREATIVITY. Neglecting my writing, my journaling and my blogging {which, may to you sound the same, but each serves it own purpose in the tapestry that is my life}

ive been stifling my voice....merely trying to process my whirlwind thoughts...

Trying to make sense....

...Of what my life was....to the changes i made...to the life i more-recently had....to the reality check i just got. Pulling apart the endlesslyMOVING thought patterns and intertwinedINQUIRIES, the jumbled up nonsense...the circus that was going on in my head. So many questions, so few answers.

Im finally back on solid ground though...i've found my bearings. After having adjusted to the drastic life changes which happened in rapid succession.

The noise in my head is starting to die down....the dust, beginning to settle. The picture is coming into focus...and my perspective is, accurately adjusted :) I see where i've gone wrong....i know what it is i have to learn - the lesson i have to successfully complete.

I am aware.

And now...today...now i embark.

No more holding it in....no more drowning in thoughts - only free love and expression abounds now...understanding ALLOWS now....SO many things.

So....many things <3

perspective

i uncovered a little equation today, and over the past few days...it goes a lil something like this...

time + space --> perspective --> UNDERSTANDING.
Decoded - {Time & space lead to #perspective, which in turn leads to #understanding.}

And its SO true. I didn't even realize it, until it was forced upon me {the time, space & distance forced, i mean} and after i was made to withstand a holding period (to quell the emotions) i saw it all so clearly. Emotions really do muddle up your view!

So, for now....for today, im grateful for the perspective. Because now i have a better understanding of, said {unmentioned} issue. But, regardless...it all makes so much more sense now.

blind-sided...

Such a precarious predicament. To have been living a double life, dwelling daily in a deep-seated secret....feeling trapped because i couldn't be true to myself, and express my feelings and emotions. Having to forgo my usual outlet of blogging, writing, social networking.....all because i was trapped in the dimensions of the parallel reality that was consuming my mind, my daily life.

Happier than ever (i thought). Finally living in a real adult relationship, all to have it stolen away, no explanation, in the BLINK of an eye. And now i'm left reeling....sitting here, engulfed in an identity crisis, trying to make sense of what i thought i had SUCH a firm grasp on. It's baffling, really.

Absolutely baffling and all-encompassing, and overwhelming, and.....just, too much to wrap my mind around. Reaching for explanations and understanding....only to find.....empty handfuls of air...

Empty nothingness, that makes no sense. Such a facade, a mirage. And i am left so utterly empty.

At the precipice...

precipice  (ˈprɛsɪpɪs)
 
— n
1. a. the steep sheer face of a cliff or crag
  b. the cliff or crag itself
2. a precarious situation

At the precipice. THAT is where I'm standing. Teetering on the edge.....peering over the side...wavering between the comfort I've known for years...and the change, and NEWNESS that is before me. I don't like wavering....undulating back and forth in uncertainty. I don't like rapid movement and change.

I like SOLID GROUND. Surety....answers and reasons, not ambiguity and unfamiliarity. I think that's why I'm struggling so much with this....this departure...this letting go of what has been, to welcome, and allow for what is to come, I'm so comfortable at my job....I've been there forEVER, it seems. I could do it backwards and forward with my eyes closed.

But....that's just it...It's not a challenge anymore. And I'm not using my abilities/talents/TRUE knowledge....I'm just, hmmm...I guess you could say I've gotten complacent. And, I need to be challenged...in life, in work...I need cultivation...stimulation...challenges! I like problem-solving...AND, I'm an eternal optimist...so I can see the silver lining in almost every situation. And bearing those qualities equipped & facilitated me well in life. So that's why I'm saying this....out loud to myself as I'm writing it, and in my head as well. To reiterate that although I'm sad to be leaving a network of people who've been family/friends to me through 5 of the most vital and life-changing years in my life, I'm also moving into the next chapter and finally challenging/testing/proving myself in a new and different realm. Which is EXCITING, it's hella exciting! So idk wtf I'm being such a big baby about...this is new and fitting for where I'm at in life, so I'm just gonna try and go with it.

The people who are meant to join me in the next chapter, will! And in the meantime, I work on cultivating ME. THis was it...the last big change that I had committed to doing for myself. First it was getting the house...moving on uuuuup, from Duncan to Crenshaw; then it was unexpectedly losing multiple 'supposed life-long friends', letting go of certain "circles"/the scene....and creating for myself a new and different dynamic of friends....on that ADULT tip!! I ended up in a PERFECT neighborhood, with better-than-you-could-ever-ASK-for neighbors, who are SO cool & genuine people too {which is RARE nowadays - to say the least} And now I've finally left the job that I had gotten so comfortable at...onto something that's more my passion. And I can start off with a clean slate and stay organized from the get-go and finally prove what I can REALLY do....the depth of what I'm truly capable of ;) and, that def feels good! So, I'm changing my perspective...I won't be sad and mourn leaving Everest...I'll leave happy, looking and feeling GREAT! Im gonna Have MUCHO fun tomorrow night with the peeps I love @ Tally Ho's.... it's gonna be aaaalllllllll GOOD :)

{sn - I'm SO glad I was able to FINALLY get on Blogger and write and work through my feelings about this bittersweet crossroads I'm at...I feel better just having gotten it all out and making some sense of my feelings} <3

the end of an era

These past few days have been intense. But i've made it through the tumultuous parts and it should be nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.

I interviewed for this new job, and it went great, but then i had to wait for a few days. I interviewed on the 18th, last Thurs. They told me they were interested that next day, friday, and said they were doing my background check and formalizing the offer, & that they'd be in touch. Then i didn't hear anything for the rest of Friday or Monday morning. I followed up on Mon and she told me no action was needed on my part and that the Director would be in touch later that day. Buuuuut, i didnt hear anything on Monday But i got the call/official offer Tues morning. So, Tues night i wrote my letter of resignation and submitted it this morning (wed), and BOOOOOOOY was i nervous! It all went really well though, surprisingly. So...im officially on my way out of Everest and onto my next, new chapter!

Must say, it is bittersweet though. I've been there for almost 5 years! There are a lot of people there i love very much. A lot of people i don't want to leave :( i'm sad about it, although im dually happy & excited for the new experiences/opportunities. Its just new, and scary....stepping out of the comfort zone is always super scary. But. this is my last step. My last big, monumental change.

And so, i'm well on my way. Steadily forward, pushing through all obstacles, persevering over all odds. I'm following my heart, and my gut....and i KNOW it wont steer me wrong. Here is to the end of an era...the close of a chapter. And on to a brand new clean slate full of fresh new opportunities and experiences.

the eve of the next chapter...

Tonight is an important night.

Followed by tomorrow which is an even MORE important day! I'm hoping to make a change tomorrow....to solidify success in a new direction. To branch out and do something new, refreshing, rewarding! I'm feeling good...and everything else is falling into place so i can only believe that i'm on the right track and that it'll all work out in my favor.

The security that having faith provides is priceless! I know that only so much is within my control....i know that i have to make the best of the cards which are dealt to me...play my best hand, if you will.

And although this is all scary...i'm following my gut and acting on the guidance i'm receiving from within {or, withOUT...from who knows where}

But i feel it, and im pulled towards it.

'IT' being, success. I'm hungry for it....i SEE it in my future...i'm just on a journey to successfully choreograph the steps to get me from here to there...from point A to point B. I'm not sure what they are....and i cant see exactly where they'll fall...but i CAN take comfort in the fact that my best interest is being served.

And, that's enough for me right now :)